remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
