I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Randomize
