Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
