My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
