really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
