I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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