I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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