Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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