Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
