my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
