So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
