"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
only you would photoshop your dick
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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