I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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