I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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