I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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