...so i touched it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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