I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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