sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
