Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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