If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
