Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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