well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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