I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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