How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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