So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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