Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
