I can't breathe out the right side of my face
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
