Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
