just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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