I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
