i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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