Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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