listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
