she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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