I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
