Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
