If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
