Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
