i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
