The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
