I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
