She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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