my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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