I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
