Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
