Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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