How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'm getting married