Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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