I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
