Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Randomize
