So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
