I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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