I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
