ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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