I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
