The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
