Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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