I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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