He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
