my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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