My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just found puke in my bra..
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I need to sanitize my soul.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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