when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Randomize
